Humane *random* thoughts about veterinary medicine and euthanasia

*warning - this is emotional for me. you may or may not agree with how I feel but please be kind.*

I want to start out by saying - my job gets crazy. Over the top, mind-blowingly insane. While I enjoy my chosen career path the majority of the time, its far from easy. Clients depend on me. My patients (unbeknownst to them) depend on me. My colleagues and co-workers depend on me. And I would not have a job if it weren't for any of them... I need them too.

I have had an overwhelmingly high number of euthanasias lately. I won't say how many. Honestly, you wouldn't want to know. With a thriving business and new clients daily, you have to expect that with the increased number of patients, the quantity of euthanasias increases proportionately as well. That being said, it is a service that I thank God we can provide. There is no reason for an animal to needlessly suffer through their last days on this earth. I personally would extend that thought process into human medicine too... but that is a topic for another day.

I had one euthanasia yesterday - it was a decision that the client and I eventually came to together based on the condition of their beloved pet and my interpretation of the lab work. I know they weren't expecting that news when they brought their pet in to see me - those are some of the hardest conversations we are forced to have with our clients. As an advocate for their pet, it is our responsibility to speak on their behalf and mutually decide with their owners the best course of action, keeping their pet's well-being at the forefront of the conversation. Sometimes we don't have all the answers... but with this particular case, I was confident that we were making the best decision.

Sometimes I have trouble handling grieving clients. I try to be as sympathetic as possible, because I honestly do understand the gut-wrenching feeling of deciding whether or not to have a pet euthanized. Many times, from my position, the decision to euthanize is painfully obvious. The client does not always understand the severity of the situation, and in those cases I know I need to take a deep breath and calmly explain that their pet is suffering... and may have been suffering for a long time.

Sometimes I get angry. My tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve is not helpful in these types of situations. I see the condition of the animal and I want to scream because I probably could have helped them two years ago. Or two months ago. But I JUST. DIDN'T. KNOW... because the client didn't call. Age is not a disease. Animals age, yes... but that doesn't mean they have to be in pain or be uncomfortable throughout their final years... months... days.

Sometimes I cry. I understand that I am the professional and I am in control of the situation. My clients trust me to be the rock, something sturdy for them to lean on when they are at a weak point. And even when my science brain KNOWS that ending a pets life is the ONLY humane option... that doesn't stop the emotional side of my brain. We feel something with each euthanasia that we perform. The day that I no longer feel compassion for the pet is the day that I no longer can rightfully practice medicine.

Honestly, some euthanasias hit me much harder than others. It is not because I care more about one pet than another. But sometimes life is cruel. A sweet, loveable two year old pet didn't deserve to have a body riddled with cancer. When I met her owners, I saw the close bond that they had with their pet. I saw how much she loved her owners and the complete trust in her owners to take care of her and keep her safe. Sometimes, I think you can just tell... I can't give details about what happened in that exam room... but I held it together as best as I could while I euthanized her, walked out of that room, and immediately began sobbing.

How lucky are we that we get to share our lives with these special creatures? Much like relationships, owners and pets are not always suited to each other and sometimes we have to try to make it work as best as we can. Occasionally, it just doesn't work out. But sometimes... sometimes there is that magic connection where you know that the person and the animal were brought together to enrich each others lives and share that awesome bond. I saw that with the young pet with cancer. I saw how much her parents adored her and how they knew exactly what would make her happy, even in her final moments. That bond isn't always a given. They weren't planning on having to say "good-bye" after only having her in their lives for 2 years, but they knew what was best for her and I was fortunate to be the one to help ease her pain and suffering. And lucky to bear witness to that particularly special kind of love.

Are you crying yet? Because I am. This is an emotional career that I chose. This aspect of my career is tough but completely necessary. Someone asked me the other day, "What's it like to play God?" I think the comment was not intended to be hurtful, but weeks later, it sticks with me. I'm not playing God. I'm a medical professional for pets and I have the ability to permanently eliminate a pet's suffering via a non-painful procedure. Humane euthanasia is just that - humane. You may not all agree with this practice, but understand that we only want what is best for the animal.

End random stream of consciousness regarding euthanasia. Not a happy topic... but one that we as veterinarians face daily and is a reality of our chosen careers.

Support System

I was in a bit of a car accident this past weekend and it made me think about a few things. Let me start by saying, I am completely fine, but after seeing the situation in broad daylight and taking time to think about it, I realize things could have gone very poorly and I could have been seriously injured.

That being said - I had to rely on a friend to help me with the initial towing of the car and taking me back home. After that, I shut myself in and attempted to take care of it completely on my own. I rode my bike to work (something I've actually been meaning to do and it was a couple of lovely days for it) and tried to get this taken care of without any outside help. Yesterday, it started raining and the temperature dropped about 25 degrees from the morning. I broke down and called a friend/co-worker to drive me to the rental car company instead of attempting the journey on my bike (something I had fully intended to do).

I know that I have people in my life that I can call when I need help. My problem is I try to be so fiercely independent that sometimes I take on too much without enlisting the help of others. I know this is a fault of mine, and after this episode, I know I will try to reach out to my support system that is more than willing to help me. And vice versa - I know that I would do the same for them, but for some reason I despise feeling like a burden to others.

The point Im trying to make (TRYING) is I think this also translates into training. I did so much of the training on my own and followed a generic training plan that I tweaked (without really knowing what I was doing). It could have ended poorly (luckily it did not) - but I know there are so many people far more knowledgeable than myself that may be able to improve my training and racing and help me reach my goals. Does this mean finding and hiring a coach? Joining an active tri club? Reaching out to friends that run, bike, and swim? The possibilities really are endless, but all would involve including more people in my little bubble and understanding that IT. IS. OKAY. It is more than okay - it has the potential to be great.

I actually HAVE run with a couple of people this year - something I haven't done since undergrad. And it always ends up being fun! I think a part of me is afraid of holding them back and not letting them have the workout that they desire. Is that a ridiculous thought? Why am I such a goofball?!?

Countdown to Half Marathons!

Our long-awaited girls weekend in Las Vegas is almost here! The weekend is focused around the Rock 'n Roll Half Marathon that we are running Sunday afternoon. I think we are going to a show of some sort Sunday night or Monday night - but the Michael Jackson show isn't available AND Britney is on hiatus. Sad... I'm hoping for a Cirque show, maybe Ka or O? Regardless, I'm excited for a few days away, running a race (another state to check off on my list - I have this goal to run at least a half marathon in every state), getting dressed up and going out with the girls - it should be fantastic.

Two days after we get back, I fly out to Annapolis for another half (and ANOTHER state to check off!) and visiting someone special. I've never been to Maryland and I'm excited beyond words. I get to visit the US Naval Academy, which I'm very pumped to see. And the after race party include oysters and beer - its like they designed this race for me! It will definitely be tough to come home after my travels... after the trips, I'm done with races for awhile and I can start that off season training I've been thinking and toying with in my head.

Speaking of off season training and my goals - I've been actively trying to eat better. I made this amazing turkey pumpkin chili in the slow cooker over the weekend - really healthy and good for about 7 meals. I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I'm beginning to like cooking... I must be ill. I instituted "pancake sunday" in my house for Jazz and I - I had this unopened box of Fiber One buttermilk pancake mix and thought, what the hell. They were surprisingly good, so the following weekend, I attempted waffles - even better. This Sunday I'm leaning toward trying pumpkin pancakes. I'm drooling just thinking about it, and I have turkey bacon to boot. One day I hope to have someone to share "pancake sunday" with, but in the mean time, princess Jazz and I are doing pretty well on our own.

Finding motivation and Beating the Blerch

I was on a high coming off of the triathlon season. I know this happens to many, if not most athletes once the season is finished, but for some reason I thought I would be different. Though I am still training for a couple half marathons in 2-3 weeks, I miss tri training! Its not like I can't do it... I'm just not motivated to do so. My next tri is at least 6 months away, its getting cold outside, its constantly DARK (like, does the sun every come up around here?)... UGH!

You know what its time for?

BEAT THE BLERCH.

You heard me. BEAT THE BLERCH.

Before we get all confused and you start googling "Blerches", let met backtrack for a sec. This past weekend, my parents threw me a "you-survived-your-first-ironman-and-by-the-way-lets-celebrate-your-thirtieth-birthday-because-you-were-too-busy-training-for-said-ironman-to-celebrate-it-yourself-and-remember-when-you-loved-my-little-ponies-thats-the-theme-because-you-are-still-our-baby-girl".

To this I say: I love my family.

My party was awesome. My mom purchased a "costume" for me, to which I proudly wore all night long and consisted of a child's My Little Pony tshirt and rainbow striped tights with a denim skirt that I dug out of the drawer. It was all very special. I had an MLP cake with the IM logo on its butt with matching IM cookies in hot pink and lime green (the colors of the shirts my parents made for my cheering group). It really was awesome and super thoughtful. All my IL relatives came, our family friends, and to top it off? My best friend flew in AS A SURPRISE and showed up at my parents front door Saturday morning. Needless to say, I was shocked and surprised... and I cried. It was that cry that happens when you are overwhelmed by too many emotions and it takes a few seconds to sink in. The last time that happened was about 10 minutes after I crossed the finish line at Wisconsin and saw my family for the first time.

That was my party.

Anyway, back to the Blerch.

There is a hilarious Oatmeal comic called, "The terrible and wonderful reasons why I run long distances". First of all, I love the Oatmeal. I think I've read almost all of the comics, I even own the cat and dog comic books. When I found out the author was publishing a book based on the above titled comic, I was thrilled. I was waiting for it to come out for weeks... then I forgot about it because I never pre-ordered it and I hit the post-IM slump.

Dayle and I love the Blerch. Its our motivation for when we want to sit on the couch and slack off. The Blerch is descibed as a fat little cherub that follows the author as he runs. He is the ultimate Un-Motivator. He tells you to be lazy, to pig out, to quit. So, its up to you and you alone to beat the Blerch.

Read about the Blerch here: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/running

When my BF visited this weekend, she was finally able to give me my birthday present. She nailed it completely. NAILED IT.

I started reading the rest of the comic/book this morning after a particularly "Blerch-y" night last night. I meant to set up my bike on the trainer after work. Instead, I gorged on leftover pizza and savory white chedder and caramel mixed popcorn and leftover IM cookies while watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. I woke up this morning, read some of the book, and I decided that was my last big night of binge eating. You have to start over somewhere, right? I have been running 3x a week and lifting at least 1-2x a week, but its not nearly what I was doing pre-IM. I understand my body needed a break. But you can't qualify for Kona sitting on your butt eating. And Blerching.

So here's to Beating the Blerch, one day at a time!

Training partners

I did about 98% of triathlon training on my own this past year. Truthfully, the majority of most of my training over the years has been a solo effort. I never made a significant effort to find training groups or partners - I think I was able to build a lot of mental toughness by doing long rides and runs by myself. This past weekend, I got a small taste of what it is like to train with friends. The verdict? I enjoyed myself way more than I expected to.

This past weekend a few friends and I participated in a recreation/charity ride in the town where Dayle lives. Our friend T came down from Chicago the night before and we went out for dinner and scared ourselves watching American Horror Story. The following morning, we got bundled up (the weather was in the high 40's/low 50's) and started our ride, complete with a sip of coffee and Baileys.

It was VERY chilly at first - my toes and fingers were frozen, lips and cheeks chilly. But we managed to put in just under 60 miles together, all the while chatting and catching up. We only got lost once and despite the chilly weather, we enjoyed the scenery and time together. It was awesome. It wasn't a real training ride, so we weren't pushing the pace by any means... and I realized that sometimes you need to put that competitiveness aside and just, literally, enjoy the ride.

Following the ride, I collected my weekend gear and my pup and headed to my parents house. It was a short weekend, but amazing nonetheless. I met someone up there, someone who I actually met ON the Ironman Wisconsin bike course... but thats a story for another day. Sunday morning, we set out on a 10 miler on the good ole prairie path... my home away from home for so many countless miles over the years. The run flew by as we chatted, I felt nice and smooth throughout its entirety. Once finished, we explored a bit of the downtown where I grew up - I channeled my inner child and visited the "popcorn shop" to sample some of my favorite candies and checked out the new chocolate shop where I indulged in a salted caramel caramel apple (it was heavenly) and chocolate (my true weakness).

I really enjoyed biking and running with friends this weekend. I know that my solo workouts are still crucial to my own training, just because I feel it improves my mental health and lets me work things out in my personal life. But I think there might be a place in there to involve other people too. I think I would really benefit from an active, local triathlon club (one that isn't an hour away like Tri-Sharks)... when I end up moving in a handful of months, I'm going to try to keep that in mind!

SOAS!

I really want to be a SOAS brand ambassador... I want to represent the company and share my experiences with triathlon and life. I love the niche that they are filling - female run company producing apparel for women that is fun and stylish but super functional. I spent hours upon hours researching brands and fit and reading reviews prior to purchasing my tri kit. I finally, FINALLY ordered my SOAS kit - I fell in love with the vintage one immediately. The day it came in I put in on and jumped on my trainer to test it out - LOVED IT. It fit perfectly and I love how I feel in it. I get compliments all the time and it makes it easier for my supporters and cheerleaders to spot me on the course!

Off Season Training

I'm confused as to what I'm supposed to be doing in the "off-season". However, I still have some goals that I think I need to accomplish:

1. Become a stronger cyclist. Period.

This is the weak point in my race I believe. I averaged a tad under 19 mph (18.98 or something like that) for 112 miles and 19.5 mph for 56 miles in both 70.3's I did this year. I need to be able to do at least 19.5 mph, if not a bit faster. The girl that won Louisville in my age group did 20.6 and the girls who got 2nd and 3rd did 20.0 and 20.2 respectively... i.e. I need to be faster if I want to have a chance at Kona.

2. Improve nutrition/recovery.

As far as actual races are concerned, I think I did pretty well at keeping myself hydrated and fed. I broke a sacred race rule by trying something new the day of IM - I bought uncrustables sandwiches and ate three of them during the day. PB&Js were perfection during the race. That along with the Gu chomps and gels and salt tabs and Skratch and bluberry bagels... and small amounts of E.L. fudge cookies and Mountain Dew made my race fantastic. I honestly felt great during the race and after... until about 2 hours after finishing when I couldn't stay out of the bathroom. Seriously, every 20 minutes. It got a little rough. Thank God for port-a-potties everywhere near the finish line. And pepto bismol. Okay, enough.

I need to really do something about my post-workout recovery... as in I need to eat something. I try to drink chocolate milk at a minimum but I'm not always hungry and then sometimes I just skip meals. Its not great. I need to fix that.

3. Improve sleep habits.

Learn how to use the sleep button on the TV. Quit falling asleep with lights on and waking up in the middle of the night. Be an adult.



I'm also going to try swimming a bit more often and change my running training - vary the workouts, incorporate speed workouts and actual tempo runs v. running aimlessly and making up goals as I run along. I may try yoga... Perhaps just in the comfort of my own house though.