This is the most severe post-season funk I have ever been in. Depression even. The injury hasn't helped (some sort of stress fracture/tendinitis that resulted in a walking boot), but I have lacked any and all motivation to be active or even just to complete the small, everyday tasks that need doing. Example - I forced myself to wash my sheets. Then I waited 9 days before making the bed and chose instead to sleep on the couch. I had laundry in piles on the bed that I refused to put away for over a week. I have bills that need paid - this involved less than 5 minutes of my day, but its this 5 minute task that I haven't actually had the will power to complete. I refused to go to the grocery store until I had no milk, eggs, bread, or ANYTHING edible left in the house.
It was ridiculous and I'm almost ashamed by how much life was getting away.
I've been on an emotional roller coaster since the race. Actually, it started well before the race, but I've let it get the better of me these last few weeks. I've said things I'm not proud of; harsh things, mean things, stupid things to friends. I've reacted to situations in ways that are unlike me. And though I've forced myself to step outside and stop floundering in the comfort of my living room - deep down I just wanted to *be* alone, though not *left* alone. It makes no sense...
So, I had the day off yesterday. I woke up at 5 am, sat up on the couch, and turned on the TV. An hour later, I had a chat with myself. It went something like - Self, I said - get your ASS off this couch and choose to do better.
I made a grocery list and went to two grocery stores to complete that list so that I could make a real meal for dinner for the first time in weeks.
I paid bills.
I did three more loads of laundry. And put it all away.
I put my bed back together.
I cleaned out my closet.
I cleaned out my desk and the dresser, I purged many things that I have been holding on to for no reason at all. Things that I should have tossed when I got divorced. Or moved.
I cleaned the kitchen/dining area and did dishes.
In a few words - I actually acted like a normal, functioning, adult member of the world.
And once that was all well and good - I put both wheels back on my bike, loaded it up in the trunk and headed to hains point to enjoy the latter half of an absolutely gorgeous afternoon.
I took off my walking boot and slipped the bike shoes on. I had no expectations - I fully expected to be slow as shit. But I made the conscious decision that today, I wouldn't let that bother me. That being said - I felt a weird little sensation of excitement when I saw a couple dudes fly past me just as I was clipping in.
Rosie wanted to fly - so we did. No warm-up, just balls to the wall for the first mile and a half. No humidity, but it was a little breezy. It felt like a tailwind so we cruised along to the top of HP. Usually this means that as soon as you make the turn, the headwind hits you. We turned, but I still felt like I was riding the tailwind, so we continued to fly along at the same speed. I caught up to a couple of those dudes at the stop sign and hung behind them for a mile or so until the one-way started and I gleefully passed them.
I started timing my laps and began racing myself. This one will be faster, I told myself. And the next one even faster. On the 4th or 5th lap I started daydreaming while stealing glances at the boats to my left. I decided I was done with speed for the day, but planned on doing an easy 2 or 3 more laps before calling it good as the sun was starting to go down.
All of a sudden, a guy in aero (on a very nice bike) passed me. I shook myself out of the daydream and increased my cadence in an attempt to catch him. He stopped pulling away and very slowly I started to catch up. This was at the cost of doing 23+ mph and a steadily rising heart rate, but why the hell was I even looking at my watch? Its an addiction.
Eventually I caught him at the stop sign and he promptly went in a different direction so fate decided I was done racing for the afternoon. I slowed down and caught the sun peeking through the trees to my right as it continued to get lower in the sky. On the airport side, I stopped and took pictures of the sun setting over the airport. An older gentleman was sitting on a bench at the water's edge with his bike leaned up against the fence and I took a minute to watch him (in a non-creepy way); I watched in a sense of admiration about the peaceful way he sat and watched the planes take-off and land across the water. I haven't felt that relaxed in a long time.
As I went to clip back in and finish the ride, 2 dudes flew past. And then it was on, again.
Dusk was setting in as I loaded Rosie back in my trunk. I was happy and at peace and I realized how silly and stupid I'd been acting for the past few weeks.
But it happens to all of us (and if it doesn't ever happen to you, pretend for me). Yesterday, I made the choice to be better than I was the day, week, even month before. Its hard to crawl out of that little hole that I've been hiding in, but I quite literally saw the sunlight and damn it, isn't life great?
Until next time my friends - I'll be around.
(There's also an IMLOU race report that I was half-heartedly writing so I'll post that soon.)